if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
