my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
