some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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