Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just tell him i said nine months
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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