i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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