I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i love accidental penises.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
