i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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