Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
