He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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