So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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