I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
