I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
