Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
