you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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