dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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