i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
two words: eviction party
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
