Moan for me like Helen Keller
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
