I must be too annoying 4 u.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
