Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
