im so drunk with asians
where?
always
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
