I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
