you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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