Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
