How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
