Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
