don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize