In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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