You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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