He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
