Everything about him screamed your future.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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