i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
how does that bad decision feel?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
