Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
No subtext here. People are naked.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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