i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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