Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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