life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize