All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
