I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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