I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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