As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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