Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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