Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize