I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
