I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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