Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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