I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
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