The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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