my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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