i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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