I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
