I just cut my nipple shaving
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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