take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
