If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
