Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize