Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
