well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
