i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
