cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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