I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Randomize
