your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
